This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
