I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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