my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
