your parents love me but you hate me
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize