Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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