In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
