Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
