You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
