I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
