sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
