how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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