I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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