Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize