I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
