she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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