Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
