my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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