I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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