Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
