chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
