that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
