Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
