i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
