Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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