Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Redeem this text for a blowjob
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
