what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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