i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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