Her vagina should come with caution tape.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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