I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
