I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
