I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
