I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
