Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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