two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
