True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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