I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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