his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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