i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
