So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
