heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
