i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
