Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
