after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
