My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
