Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
