Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
