cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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