If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
