so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
