Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
