Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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