last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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