Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Randomize
