She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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