Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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