don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
